Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Will this make me feel better?
- This topic has 15 replies and was last updated 2 years, 1 month ago by
Tammy.
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Kate
My ex hurt me badly. I grew up in a volatile home and have difficulty expressing emotions especially difficult/negative ones. So when he hurt me l just let it go. Didn’t say anything. Just disappeared. Blocked him. I wish l had told him how much he hurt me.
My dilemma now is that he has somehow got my email and made contact (after 18months). I can’t risk opening it all up again but was going to say –I am sorry but l am not ready to have any contact. You hurt me more than you will ever know. For me,the most important thing in any relationship is honest, kindness and respect and l don’t think you demonstrated any of those. Kate x
What do people think? I think it will help me get closure or am l best just to stay silent and ignore? I guess a bit of me wants to hurt him but to do it in a subtle way that doesn’t demand answers.
Raven
Ignore it!
AngieBaby
Your story doesn’t make any sense. You said he hurt you 18 months ago so you blocked him without saying a word and walked away with no further contact. So what do you mean, he somehow got your email and is now contacting you?? What email? When did you send it?
Maddie
Will you block his email address after sending that? If you must say something, I actually think it’s okay as long as you don’t expect any specific response and aren’t trying to influence him in any way by responding… just briefly say your piece and keep moving forward. I’d end it with, please do not contact me again.
Kate
When l said he got my email l meant he somehow obtained the email address. I didn’t send him anything. I am not sure how he found it as we never communicated by email
AngieBaby
It’s fairly easy these days to find information on people.
How long had you been dating him? What are your ages?
Did he do something that was obviously really bad so he would know he did something wrong and that’s why you walked away without saying something to end it? It’s kind of hard to advise without knowing something about what happened.
You have an important choice here. Your behavior feels passive/aggressive. If you still feel a need to try and hurt him back after 18 months, you haven’t dealt with your feelings or the break-up at all and it’s still an open wound, which is hurting you, not him.
I think you’d benefit from getting into counseling to deal with your family issues. If you don’t, you will continue to have difficulty with relationships of all kinds. “XYZ happened to me in the past and that’s why I’m this way” is actually a choice to let the past define you. Is that how you really want to live your life? Being on the defensive all the time, bottling up your feelings? That has to feel pretty bad. This is your opportunity to make some changes.
The message you want to send him isn’t closure. First off, you don’t have to start with “I”m sorry but…” – you are not in the least sorry you don’t want any further contact so no need to apologize. It’s weak and disempowering. “I’m not ready to have any contact” implies that at some point you will be ready to have contact. Will you? If you really want no further contact with him, then state that. And you don’t need to end it with an x. That means a kiss or some kind of affection, right, so that’s a mixed message.
I’d say: Joe, I walked away 18 months ago because you (what he did) and it felt extremely hurtful. When that happened, I realized we don’t have the same values where honesty, respect and kindness are concerned. For me, the relationship is over permanently because of that and I would appreciate it if you would not make any further attempts to contact me as I will not respond. Kate
That’s a firm, clear message that sets a boundary and is closure for both of you. And then you block him everywhere and you stick to being done with him by remaining silent if he makes contact again. When he sees you mean it, eventually he will stop. Silence speaks more than any words ever could.
Kate
Wow Angie Baby – that was really clear and helpful. You worded that much better than l did and l see exactly what you mean.
The back story is that he didn’t actually end the relationship just drifted away and let me continue to contact by text. I eventually called him to try to get an explanation. He said he had met someone. That was only half the story – found out on social media that she was pregnant and they were engaged and living together- quick work eh?
Maddie
With the additional detail, I wouldn’t say much beyond please don’t contact me again. He knows he hurt you and why, you don’t need to explain that. He needs to focus on his child and his own mess and leave you alone!
R Castillo-Sevilla
I’m very proud of you! You are better off not replying at all. But if this is burning inside of you, then go ahead and send it! Go out swinging. Do what makes you feel good and comfortable – you are the priority.
AngieBaby
Whoa! Kate! You did the right thing to just walk away without another word. He has a lot of nerve emailing you. So sorry you experienced this. What a low life.
Joe, you were engaged and living with your pregnant girlfriend while you acted single and dated me at the same time. You did a terrible thing and it caused me a great deal of pain. For me this was over forever a long time ago – don’t contact me again. Kate
AngieBaby
Right on Maddie – one thing though, I don’t believe she needs to say please!!
AngieBaby
Whoops, I may have read wrong. Was he dating you at the same time as her? Or did he just fade away and then finally admit he met someone else, meaning he had moved on surprisingly fast without finishing with you properly?
If you don’t know for sure, then I’d just say: Joe, you were extremely dishonest at the end of the relationship we had, and that caused me a lot of pain. For me this was over a long time ago – don’t contact me again.
olivia turner
With the new information, I wouldn’t say much more than “please do not approach me again.” You don’t need to explain why he injured you to him. He should concentrate on his child and his own problems and leave you
AngieBaby
Olivia… she’s saying she regrets not telling him at the time how much what he did hurt her. I’m recommending saying something brief about that for her benefit, not because it’s going to cut any ice with him. Mainly she needs to put in writing that she wants no further contact so there’s a record of it in case there’s any trouble in the future. And I repeat, this guy doesn’t deserve “please.”
Lane
Ouch! Yeah the guy is a cheater and you did the right thing by bowing out he way you did when you did.
Personally I wouldn’t respond. Silence is stronger than any words you could ever say; whereas, not responding tells him “you are not worthy of one typed word from me!” That IS your closure.
Honestly you should be THANKFUL he didn’t put you in the same position he is now putting the lady he left you for! She is the one who is going to be in far more pain than you will ever be when she catches him cheating, as he is clearly on the prowl by reaching out to you, and she will probably end up raising that child alone. He is not a good man, nor a good father, and you dodged a major bullet with that one, and why you need to turn that pain into thankfulness.
I would reject any form of contact, delete the email, and just focus on working through your childhood traumas. Those are the wounds you need to tend to and spend your energy on IMO, not a cheating loser.
Tammy
Agree with lane. I think ideally you shld just ignore the email. Thats your best answer
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