Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Won't do Weeknight Sleepovers
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Rose.
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Phaedra
I’ve been seeing this guy for seven months. He wanted to take it slow at the beginning, but a couple months ago started calling me his girlfriend and introducing me to his family and friends. We see each other every weekend and one weeknight, Wednesdays. He has a firm rule about no sleepovers on weeknights so after we hang out on Wednesdays, I have to get back in my cold car and drive home to my cold bed.
I’ve told him that I enjoy snuggles and would really like to spend the night once in a while, but I respect his boundary and I’m not going to push. And I haven’t. However, I think at this point in the relationship -almost 8 months- things should be progressing a little bit.
I guess I’m just frustrated and wondering whether bringing it up again would seem like nagging or whatever.Mae
What’s his reasoning behind this “firm rule?” Do you do weekend sleepovers?
CalLady
Have you asked him why that rule? Maybe make him come to you on the Wednesday instead so he’s the one getting in the cold car to go home.
Phaedra
Mae, he hasn’t really said what his reasons are besides that he thinks it’s healthy to spend nights apart. Yes, we do sleepovers on the weekend.
CalLady, I have a difficult roommate situation and my house is not ideal. He has a whole house to himself. Great suggestion, though.Sun
Honestly and maybe it’s just me as I understand people have different preferences in aspects of their lives but I think you don’t have an issue here unless it really bothers you. I for one would welcome your situation. I don’t have a roommate but because I’m widowed (1+ year) with a 12 yr old daughter who isn’t ready for me to have a relationship, my BF has not even set foot in my apt and we’re together for 6 1/2 months now as a couple in a serious long term committed relationship. We see each other twice a week and mostly on weekdays because my daughter traditionally grew up spending time with me on weekends and we go out to family dinner every Saturday night. I kept everything as the same as possible when my husband passed early last year as I needed to make sure that she continues to have as much stability in her life given what happened.
My BF understands that he cannot meet her yet; he cannot be in the apt. even when my daughter goes away for 5 weeks in the summer; we don’t do sleep overs at his condo even though his daughter in college is barely there as I feel very awkward to sleep over at his place during the week when it’s school week/work week for me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that.
We’ve gone away on 2-3 day weekend trips and we went to his time share in St Kitts for 8 days. We are very committed to each other and we are both willing to make it work and spend time intimately as much as we can, when we can. So, I think it’s about preferences and different situation for you – as you’re single no kids, etc… But honestly, I wouldn’t think so much about it as it appears your situation is progressing nicely.
Amy S
Hi, Its a bit cold and too rigid for my liking. I have kids and my ex bf likes a long lie so it suited me for him not to stay mid week as I had to get up and get kids organised for school but on several occasions we would just cosy up and i was happy for him to stay or vice versa. U need to have some softness and playfulness in a relationship. How are things otherwise ?
Mae
I can understand his desire to have “me time,” but the rigid rules and his being adamant on you not sleeping there during the week is a bit off-putting to me. I don’t know that it’s enough to make a big deal about, however. Are your sleepovers on weekends enjoyable?
Phaedra
Thanks, ladies.
Amy, things otherwise are really good. This is the one thing about the relationship that I would change if I could. The weekend sleepovers are really great, and that’s part of why I’d like to have one more mid-week. I just really enjoy cuddle-sleeping and he seems to as well on the weekends.
I understood in the beginning of the relationship before we were as comfortable with each other as we are now that he’d prefer to be alone for his morning ablutions and “three s’s” but as we’ve been together a while now and are in a more comfortable, natural place, I feel like that’s a natural progression of the relationship.I did get to stay over one Sunday night when it was raining really hard when it was time for me to leave and he said he was concerned about me driving home in that weather and I don’t feel like I was in his way in the morning or somehow kept him from getting ready on time or interfered with his morning routine, so I don’t think that’s it.
I feel like it’s more about the progression of the relationship. He’s enjoying the status quo with no reason to increase our time spent together, but I would like to have that happen.
It’s odd for me because in former relationships, I was always the one who needed to draw the line and ask for my own space while the guy was wanting me to stay over every night. In fact, my ex-husband moved in with me after less than a month of dating, so maybe this has more to do with me and my expectations of how much time people in a relationship spend together.
I don’t know. I just know that if this is the way things are going to be for much longer, I might have to start evaluating whether he’s really the guy for me, even though I like him a lot and really enjoy being with him.
Mae
Well, what if you wanted to have a girls’ weekend away (which you have every right to)? Would this rigid, no-weeknight rule still apply? Would it hurt to have a simple discussion to set expectations? I get the feeling that he’s grown accustom to the expectation that you will spend weekends together, so he’s unconsciously taking advantage of that fact and sees no need to change otherwise.
Not saying you should play games- but perhaps make yourself unavailable some weekends and maybe he’ll get the message that way, too.
P_Asohka
I’ve never heard that sort of rule form anyone, or that hasn’t happened to me but the fact that it has been that way from the beginning I wouldn’t think anything is wrong. Starting out, if you had stayed over during the week + weekends and he all of a sudden changed then I’d be concerned unless he had valid reasons and I would question why change in the pattern. Since your relationship has been steady and slow starting and he sounds as if he values his time by himself it’s very wise you do the same. Don’t think anything of it expect that. If he acts weird or treats you any different then I’d be concerned.
Phaedra
Thanks for those suggestions. I am going away to see my family over Christmas, so it will be good to have some time apart.
I’m going to let him know I’d really like to be able to stay over on Wednesdays and see what his response is; if he has a reason why he doesn’t want to do that and let him think about it while I’m gone; not demand an answer about it right away.
If that’s not something he’s okay with … well, then that evaluation of whether we’re really compatible will come.
P_Asohka
Yep, communication is key. Even if you are vulnerable…it’s better than to not say or ask anything at all.
P_Asohka
That didn’t come out right. I meant It’s better to be vulnerable
Happy
I find it always concerning when the terms of the relationship are dictated by one person.
I also agree that things should be progressing if they are going to. That has always been my experience.
It sounds to me as if you were already acting like a gf before he even gave you the title. You reserved all your weekends for him. Then, at around 5 months in he realized he had to slap the label of gf on because men know at some point the issue will come up. So if he wanted to continue this on his terms but avoid the conversation/conflict of ‘ what are we?’
He dictates the terms of when you can see him and sleep over. And he isn’t truly integrating you into his life.
I personally view it as a red flag when a man says right out of the gate he wants to take things slow. Often times this is code for not really looking for a relationship.
Jippity
Is it because he’s worried about being tired in work the next day?
Some people just don’t sleep well sharing a bed.
Rose
Because he needs to sleep and get up for work the next morning I assume. Not all people are able to really sleep and rest with someone in their bed. I know I can’t.
Maybe tell him you can sleep on the couch or in another room.
He does have slee overs on weekends, you shouldn’t be so demanding honey.
Enjoy what you do have please and give the man a break.
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