Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Would you tolerate or feel ok with your new man doing this?
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by
Nathalie.
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Tracygutierrez
Hi ladies, has this happened to any of you? But my question is why would a man talk about certain women from his past in a new relationship ( how this or how that) is this because they are insecure, with low self-esteem, to gain control over their new girlfriend, to make her insecure?
What is the point exactly? triangulation, I find it childish and immature. I really need to know the real reason for this, cause it just dumb.
Raven
Need more information or (better) examples…
Newbie
I agree with raven its needs more details but i also question raven: why ask a question which i seen you do a lot and then come back with a one liner after they answered.
ANM StaffKeymasterMod update: Hi Tracygutierrez –
I noticed you had posted a separate topic as “Amanda”. It’s fine that you post multiple (different) topics, but please stick with a consistent pseudonym in all the topics. The community likes to know when topics are brought up by the same person, because it helps them focus their discussion in a helpful direction.
Carry on with the discussion though, I hope you gain insight in talking with our community!
Raven
Why? Insight dearie, insight…
Raven
Why do you care?
mell
Sometimes old GFs or BFs come up innocently – he might mention a holiday in the past, or something he used to do with one.
REalistically, it should usually be minimal – we all know our partner had a past before us, and we’re happy to learn about it, but they shouldn’t be dwelling on it with a new partner. Many things should be left unsaid – what their exes liked on dates, in bed etc – anything that gives the impression they are lingering on that person or pining over them.
And yeah, there should be no comparisons. Every person is different and in the end it doesn’t matter if a new partner is similar to an ex or nothing like them – we judge each partner by their own merit.
Sam
I feel like Raven asks the right questions and gives great advise. Just like the saying, less is more!
Sam
To the poster: I would find it weird if the person I was with mentioned an ex of theirs. If their bringing them up, their probably still on their mind. If it happened once, then maybe it would be OK. If they did it more than that, it would be a turn off for me.
Tallspicy
Talking about exes is distancing. It is a sign they are unavailable.
I will never again choose men who speak ill of their exes (using the c-word or calling the ex a narcissist yep), who seems to have emotional tenor when talking about their exes, cannot articulate anything positive about their exes or why they chose them, or explain what their role was in bringing about the end of the relationship and what they will do differently (and no, I’m just too supportive or codependent – bullhonkey, you contributed, this relationship did not just happen to you). Every man who had told me they were codependent was actually more selfish, not less in the things that mattered.
Jo
I’ve only ever had one ex do this (he talked about how great they all were) and he turned out to be seriously commitment phobic.
Nathalie
I don’t think he would just blurt out stuff about his ex if it wasn’t prompted by a conversation or a situation. If there wasn’t and he is randomly bringing it up then the ex is still on his mind but not always necessarily romantically.
My ex boyfriend use to do this frequently, he didn’t only talk about the past but also in the present, like if the girl dyed her hair today he would have that conversation with me later in the day where he would just say “hey, by the way i saw “her” pass by with blonde hair. Lol. It didn’t look good at all on her.” Like im suppose to laugh too and find that conversation normal and okay. I killed that absurdity on the spot!!
I think guys do this because;
#1) There’s something they want you to do that their ex did for them, like maybe you don’t run after them like the others did. I had someone tell me that all his exs couldn’t get to mid day without talking to him when they were mad, while i could go a whole day because i was upset and needed some space. I felt compared. But it was his way to tell me that that much space didn’t seem right to him. Some men are so egocentric.
Or #2) they are in general not completely over them.
So if you guys are new together then talking about your past experiences and maybe describing what your exs was like just for that conversation is okay, but only when it is required. So just tell him you appreciate that he opened up about his ex and from now on it’s just you and him and you dont wish to hear about her again. If that don’t help, the next step is yours.
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