Year-and-a-half relationship: Is this going anywhere?

Hi,

I need some advice because things have been more tense lately and I feel less confident about my relationship than I was a few months ago.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. During the holidays, he invited me to spend Thanksgiving with his family, and though we didn’t spend Christmas together (his parents were entertaining his sister’s fiance’s family), we spent new years eve together and then he spent the weekend with me at my parents’ house. My parents really like him and all of my friends approve. Generally, I have been truly enjoying our relationship and feel like I’ve finally found someone who I can see myself with for the long run. Up until lately, I felt like we were on the same page.

We are both 28 years old (he is turning 29 in three weeks). He had a really long relationship during his early to mid twenties that ended badly, and then dated casually for about a year before we met. We met online and hit it off immediately. We took things slowly, and didn’t become “official” until about six months after we met.

My boyfriend is an entrepreneur and he will probably relocate his business within a year. I am also in my final semester at graduate school and trying to finalize my job plans. The problem is that I’m always the one having to ask if he has any updates on where he might be going, he doesn’t volunteer information, and I’m the only one who seems to be “planning” around staying together. I have been very open about my willingness to apply for jobs wherever he might go since I’m going to school away from home to begin with, and don’t feel very tied to my current location.

Here’s the bigger concern. Today I revisited the conversation about jobs and locations and he said “I don’t really think you should be planning your career around me because we aren’t engaged.” My jaw literally dropped. Does this mean that he doesn’t plan on getting engaged to me in the future?! My impression is that men and women can tell if they’re in a relationship that his potential versus one that’s for convenience.

I sort of freaked out over that comment and at some point later in the conversation, I asked him whether he would be ok being in a long distance relationship since he wants me to have my best options without him being a crutch. He said – “it depends on how long we were apart.” So I said, “what about a year.” He said he didn’t know. WTF. How can he tell me not to plan around him and then say that he might not want to be in a long distance relationship, if even for a year. It sounds to me like I’m not a long term plan. So I started crying and told him that if he isn’t serious about relationship then he’s wasting my time. He kept insisting that he is serious but he can’t predict the future and that he wouldn’t want me to move somewhere and be unhappy and then feel stuck if things didn’t work out with us.

The other consideration is that his ex-girlfriend who was a long term relationship, actually moved to be with him and then things didn’t work out and she had to move back home. I realize that this was a really terrible experience for him and impacts his current views. But I find his comments to show ambivalence towards our future as a couple who plans together and makes compromises, and it almost sounds like I’m expendable.

Like I said, I’m 28 years old. I want to get married in a few years. If this relationship is a year and a half long and he is talking about me like I’m expendable, I don’t know if I should be investing any more time. I am an attractive woman who has always had options, so I would rather start over now than feel devastated one year from now. I don’t know if I”m overreacting, but I am extremely hurt by this conversation. It ended with him saying that he loves me and that I mean a lot to him. But this conversation was extremely disheartening because I can see myself marrying him and though that we were on that track.