Year-and-a-half relationship: Is this going anywhere?

Well I’m sorry and I don’t mean to add more to your plate but my feeling is this man purposely did not raise this honestly earlier – he selfishly sucked up your time, attention, love, while it served him because he was there. And when the time comes that he leaves, it appears that he wants his freedom. But some men don’t appreciate what they have while they have it – and you walking away very soon is the only way for you to preserve your dignity and self-respect.

I just happen to think that if there was no conversation in the past, like “hey we’re not serious” or something along those lines that would have given you the choice to stay knowing his intentions, I could at least respect that he was upfront and honest.

I feel for you and know how much this must hurt, it’s unfair. But that does not mean you can’t change course and be happy, you can be. You will be. But first, no matter what the outcome, people say a man can’t love a woman unless he respects her.

We all struggle with this to some degree – and women tend to be more loving/giving and supportive over being selfish. This is a huge mistake. Believe me, I have lived it… long story short, it’s time for you to get selfish.

Dear Blanchette

I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through. It must be so disorienting and painful to love someone for so long and have him act so invested and then for him to say those things that seem otherwise so bluntly to you. I thought of a couple of things — one — maybe he’s been feeling he wants to leave the relationship for awhile, but hasn’t wanted to hurt you so he may be using this ‘natural’ separation as the impetus to separate OR he’s getting scared because he knows what moving together means fof future and the expectations that go along with it and that finally his freedom would be gone.

I just want you to know I am in a somewhat similar situation where my boyfriend is a medical student and in just over one year will be matched somewhere for his residency. We have only been dating 8 months and exclusive for 4 but he started talking marriage 4 months in but for the last couple of months I’ve realized he hasn’t “future talked” for awhile (which has caught my attention. I’d be lying if I said I’m not concerned but since we are still getting to know one another I’m telling myself he’s just being smart — and not trying to make promises to me he cannot keep)

Anyway — I’m sure you know — relationships are about risk and growth. It’s so much better that you know now where his head is at before you made the HUGE step to move together (because we all know what that would have communicated to you! — that he was serious about you as a potential wife and a long term commitment) If he’s not there yet in his heart because of where he’s at emotionally or where’s he at with YOU — it’s so much better that you know NOW.

My agree that a breakup or “a break” is in order here. Hopefully you can communicate to him that you feel by saying the things he said to you that you are in two different places in your feelings/plans regarding relationship. Maybe some time apart would make him realize what he has in you and what he would be missing or let you get on with finding someone who wants to make plans with you.

Best to you darlin. Be strong. You are worthy of incredible love. I’m sorry you are hurting.

You said he may relocate in another year’s time right? So why don’t you find a job nearby for now and get some experience.

But something does seem off with his answers …

T from New York – I do think a break is in order… One day later, I have cooled off and it still doesn’t seem good to me.

Terry – you make good points, but first of all, he didn’t even tell me he might be moving. One of his relatives mentioned it in front of me several months ago, which was a shock to begin with. Ever since that I time, I periodically ask him if he has any updates on whether it’s still happening and when that might be. He doesn’t bring it up himself, I always have to ask, and he never has a concrete answer. It could be that he doesn’t bring it up because he doesn’t have anything new to say about it. But it really doesn’t seem like he’s trying to plan a future with me in the picture.

Everything else about our relationship gave me the impression that we were on the right track. But like Sherri said, this aspect seems off, and it’s a big aspect, in my opinion…

L – I did ask him if he sees a future with me during the conversation. He said yes, but that he isn’t promising that we are going to be together forever at this point. Something like that. I wasn’t fully engaged, to tell you the truth. After I left his apartment, we wound up texting back and forth for the rest of the day. He pretty much backtracked and told me that I am creating conclusions that have nothing to do with what he intended for me to understand. He said that he was only suggesting that I not limit where I apply to jobs because of him, but also apply to places where he might go. It’s all BS to me, but I do see that he is concerned about my being upset because he kept texting me.

Those articles that tell you not to move for a guy without an engagement are spot on. I’m not sure what culture your boyfriend is from, but so many white American guys don’t value marriage and family the way men from other cultures (Italians, Greek, Middle Eastern, etc) do so if they can have the benefits of marriage without having to actually get married, they will drag the relationship out as long as possible. You are stuck trying to figure out why your boyfriend doesn’t want a future with you. Chalk it up to not being the right match and move on. It’s his loss.

Before everyone jumps down my throat, I’m speaking in general terms. Of course there are individual exceptions but they are the exception rather than the norm.

I find that when they backtrack – they are just trying to feel better about themselves. Because they realize they did a major faux pas. You basically and rightfully are considering ending the relationship; but I don’t think his backtracking is with your interests in mind. He is trying to “fix” it to where it is still convenient for him. Many men will remain in “for the time being” relationships without an understanding on their part that they have to take the steps to lock you down, or you will leave. They don;t give women enough credit basically. Men who have been like this to me all had serious mommy issues. Not sure if that’s a coincidence.

Bi Blanchette.

I do believe a discussion is in order, but here’s the thing about men you need to know—they think in the moment but it doesn’t mean they will actually do/act on it.

He could have been ruminating (throwing some thoughts out), but if he’s done nothing to act on it then it could very well be nothing but an idea he’s thought of from time-to-time, like buying a new car, taking up a hobby, eating at a restaurant but has done nothing to effect it. Men are notorious for this, which is why I classify them as “tentative plans” and “actual plans” the first being thoughts, the second is when those thoughts come to fruition (he does it).

Not sure how you approached it, but I wouldn’t have brought it up until he did. You continually asking and basically telling him what your going to do when he hasn’t even formulated a plan is being “pushy” and this could very well be his reaction to it.

After one and half years, if you don’t know what a man’s PLAN is then he’s excluding you…its when they include you is the signs of a man settling on a partner. They may not be in a position to marry you right away as they may have some milestones they need to complete first (e.g., college, career, financial) but marriage is discussed and both parties are on board to reach the end goal…marriage.

You have received excellent advice here and really spot on and I couldn’t really think of anything else to add other than, please, please, please, walk away now. No drama just go on and plan your life, the place you want to live in, be and work at. We all carry a past, past love, past hurt, etc…but it is also up to us to either learn from it or be imprisoned by it. For your BF, whatever reasons he has for his reservations, only he can resolve them. It isn’t anyone else’s job to fix him or make him see the potential loss or err of his ways. I think that’s what differentiates a boy from a man, maturity.

The break does not have to be dramatic in any way. Speak your truth and stand up for what you deserve. You’re not included in his plans however tentative or uncertain they are which begs the question, where are you exactly in his life? Perhaps, just “for now”.