Young, Just Need a Reality Check, Small Rant

Hi Ladies, (apologies if this is long)

I posted in one to two weeks ago about a VERY average first date, we had a small text conversation after about academics but then besides that nothing, so onward. I have posted in here before about balancing sex/finding a guy that respects me/wants to get to know me (i am a senior in college), and once again, I am asking for a bit of reality check since I love how everyone on this forum gives it straight up, and especially since I am young and trying to learn how to do things the right way in regards to this.

Was talking to this guy since July, he is two years younger than me (I am 22), and he has been hot and cold regarding what he is looking for. Since he is younger than me, (not by much but still, I feel like I am a mature young woman who needs someone with a little bit more of an edge). He has made it clear he wants to have sex with me, yet then says “5 dates then sex”, I feel like that was all to keep me in the rotation of his girls, and alarms was going off in my head that this dude is not whatsoever serious, and clearly just finds me attractive (he would not stop talking about how “sexy” I am, he has asked for nudes, yet says he feels like “what we want is very similar and I want to get to know you, I have been looking for something a bit more serious too”), after I told him I want something a bit more consistent, serious, he switched tones yet went back to making sexual comments for months.

Yes, all alarm bells, I caught onto all of this, and am aware of this treatment. Why do guys feel the need to switch around? Its evident all he wants is sex so why even both saying the other stuff? So, fast forward. I have been wanting to fool around and, I was in the ER twice in august, diagnosed with a gynecological condition, and lately I feel like I have gotten my sex drive back and feeling a bit more like myself sexually, when I have not felt good in months about it, and very emotionally heavy with not dealing with this condition.

We made plans a week prior to hangout, and he came to me, we sat outside at a park, chit chatted, flirted a bit. I knew what was going to happen, and yes, attraction was mutually there. He surprisingly had a decent personality, and we were able to hold good conversations. We ended up sleeping together, because I also wanted to see if sex would be painful with my condition (thank god it was not!). I definitely used him for the fact I was comfortable and did not feel pressure, I am not opposed to casual sex (once or twice) if I at least feel comfortable and safe with the person, and so for me it seemed alright to do. We cuddled a bit and watched a show together, it was overall a nice time. Saying bye was awkward, he was sleepy, and I honestly did not know what to say besides “text me when you get back home safely please!” (he had his bike, it felt too forced to hug?). After casual sex encounters I have said to the guy “lets do this again” “what are you looking for” and it just never followed up well, and or I did not like the answer, and felt horrible after. I avoided doing doing that since I cannot do repetitive casual sex (more than 3 times), without catching feelings, but now in my tiny post sex depression, am beating myself up for the fact I didn’t say “I had a nice time”. HOW STUPID IS THAT. Neither of us discussed what we were looking for (we mentioned it over text a few times, but that was when he got so hot n cold).

Sorry for backstory, but my point is, I am constantly conflicted over the fact I would like consistent sex with someone I feel comfortable with at least, and I like talking to other guys too, not feeling put into one spot while being this young (my prior things have been so emotionally tasking I would not mind some fun this year), yet I know I end up putting that guy on a pedestal and want a relationship in the end. After too much casual sex, I get majorly depressed and do not feel fully satisfied emotionally. This was the first situation that I felt neutral with, I will admit I feel a little bit down, but not at the same rate as before in my encounters, since I did make this decision with a clear mind.

I did ask him why he was so keen on seeing me. I expected some BS, and this is probably some BS, but he said “i wanted some peace of mind meeting you since its been so long of us talking. whats the right or wrong answer here?” I said it would be a little concerning if you just said “oh just to have sex” but no right or wrong answer, and he said “that seems like a lot of work to be talking for 3 months just to have sex”, and LOOK thats exactly what happened!!! Why can’t men just be straight up!! I honestly respect the gross men more who are like “I honestly just want casual sex” instead of “I want to know you” to then “show me pictures”. DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Sorry I am angry and frustrated. I just want reassurance that it’s ok to have a casual sex encounter, I do not wanna reach out to him, and that its ok to feel a little conflicted sometimes. Ok thank you for listening (also I want to be clear, I feel ok with the fact we had sex, since I knew the repercussions, more frustrated with the hot & cold behavior men do at any given age).
Ok! Rant over lol